I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Somebody’s lying.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.