I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”