“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
You Might Also Like
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.