[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
🤣✨#caturday
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
honestly, i need both:
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.