Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.