Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
i hate you platonically
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.