Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
it’s finally my moment to shine
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.