[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.