Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Thursday Thought.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.