(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees