Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
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Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
yall want some gasoline milk
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
No, YOUR illiterate.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow