I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
You Might Also Like
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.