You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.