Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.