Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
everyone has that one prude friend
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.