The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
who wore it better?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Camping tip: No.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam