*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Hmmmmm
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece