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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.