Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.