what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
is this a threat
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.