I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now