JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty