my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Goodnight 🐶
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time