*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
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I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
The honesty is refreshing
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
New tinder profile pic
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD