Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆