[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.