I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
鈼斤笍yes
鈼斤笍no
鈼撅笍other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 馃槀馃槶
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
It鈥檚 bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I don鈥檛 care if he鈥檚 famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you鈥檙e too drunk to vacuum ?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”