And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero