Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
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my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC