I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me