5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Lmfao
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I have never related to anyone more.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women