Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you