[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
She was REALLY feeling it.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay