Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
cry laughing at this shit
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No