“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.