[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy