birds and squirrels envy us
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{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When you don’t understand how floors work
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE