1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
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Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO