Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Personal question. #JustSaying
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg