Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Damn right I鈥檓 cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you鈥檝e all been doing a good job without me.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 馃幎I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
When you vacuum your kid鈥檚 room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[sees Facebook friend you haven鈥檛 talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u