Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
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Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
🙄😏😂🤣
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.