As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
smartest karate player in the world
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Me if I was a dog
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.