I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
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It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?