Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
work smarter, not harder
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years