Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview