*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
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If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
😜
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”