*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I love the honesty
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(