I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants