When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.