I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
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this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Friday
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.